D&D House Rules


I’ve been getting back into DMing, so, naturally, the need for some extra special rules came up. I present you with my ever-growing collection of (currently) 99 rules that I enforce on my players. :P

  1. There is a sentient race of eagles with a highly developed code of honour in this world. This code of honour leads them to patrol the skies and drop heavy objects (anvils, pianos, hippos or VW Camper vans) on Adventurers that they see doing stupid things. They have a racial bonus of +30 to Spot checks and a BAB of +30 as well.
  2. A character turned to stone can attempt to strike a heroic pose, in order to make a better-looking statue. If sold, his statue fetches 100 gp times the result of a Charisma check.
  3. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if you’re the sorcerer.
  4. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
  5. A picture of your ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
  6. Your gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
  7. You do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
  8. The paladin’s alignment is not Lawful Anal.
  9. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
  10. You are not authorized to form the head.
  11. If the mere thought of it costs the others’ sanity, you’re forbidden from doing it.
  12. Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
  13. You are not allowed to rub the monk’s head for luck.
  14. You are not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
  15. When one person forgets to buy rations, eating the half-elf is not your first option.
  16. There are no profanities in Celestial.
  17. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
  18. No matter your alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
  19. Cannot cast Haste on the king during a long-winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
  20. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
  21. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
  22. You cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
  23. When your enemy blinks it does not give you an attack of opportunity.
  24. Not allowed to tell the Elf “Live long and prosper.”
  25. Cannot conveniently forget the blast radius of a fireball.
  26. Ranger cannot have a giant space hamster for a mount or animal companion.
  27. If any other character has a giant space hamster animal companion and it wanders into the local magic shop, the rest of the party has never seen said character before in their lives.
  28. No creating any character that requires a trip to the local slave market to purchase field rations.
  29. You are not to refer to the Monster Summoning spell as “Conjure Lunch”.
  30. Just because it’s flammable doesn’t mean it should be set on fire.
  31. No, you do not burn a wood elemental to make it a fire elemental.
  32. You do not have a pair of trained attack ferrets.
  33. “Crack Whore” is not an acceptable character class. It is certainly not a variation of Cleric.
  34. The Book of Vile Darkness is not acceptable reading material for a paladin of Tyr.
  35. Nor is it acceptable reading material for a cleric of Lathander.
  36. Greatsword sledding is not (and never will be!) a professional sport.
  37. You are not allowed to shout “Charge” when you *know* the mage is casting Wall of Stone just because you think it’s funny.
  38. Not allowed to ask to see an Earth elemental’s rocks.
  39. You must at least try to create a character that will last more than one gaming session.
  40. When scoring a Coup de Grace against a goblin with his own weapon, telling him “Stop hitting yourself” is unnecessary.
  41. Banned from telling anger management/issues jokes about the barbarian.
  42. The fighter should loot bodies AFTER killing them. Ohhhhh.
  43. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
  44. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
  45. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
  46. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
  47. You are not allowed to declare yourself a god just so you can grant yourself spells.
  48. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
  49. Tourretes is not a flaw; it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
  50. Your Paladin’s heraldry is not a smiley face.
  51. If the king rewards you with a forest, you are to assume he intends for you to keep it a forest.
  52. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
  53. You are not allowed to test your new spells on party members. Especially the paladin.
  54. Bribing the DM with extra pizza doesn’t always work.
  55. You are not allowed to name your half-orc barbarian “Sweetums”.
  56. Or “Twinky-Poo”.
  57. You are not allowed to give your wizard a stutter.
  58. Lawful Stupid and Chaotic Badass are now forbidden alignments.
  59. You should not refer to the paladin’s Holy Avenger sword as “The Butter Knife of Doom”.
  60. No, the dragon will not let you ride it.
  61. You are not to name your fighters “Meaty McShielderson’.
  62. Nor are any characters allowed to have a last name with ‘Mc’ included.
  63. You are not to insinuate anything about the druid and his animal companion.
  64. Likewise about the Paladin and his mount.
  65. The Half-Giant is not an acceptable choice for my Gnome paladin’s mount.
  66. ‘Damn Fine’ is not an acceptable Charisma score.
  67. ‘Pimp Daddy’ is not a class.
  68. Your name is not to mean “Shove it” in any language.
  69. ‘Exotic Weapon Proficiency: Enemy’s Skull’ is not acceptable.
  70. Flame Strike is not an acceptable answer to a question.
  71. “Skill Focus: Your Mom Last Night” does not exist.
  72. A statue of you will not be erected if you invent the push-up bra.
  73. Just because your character doesn’t cut his nails, does not give him a claw attack.
  74. Organ harvesting is not an acceptable profession.
  75. ‘Dire Human’ is not a race.
  76. Gnomes and Halflings are not catapult ammo.
  77. Enlarge Person affects your whole person. Not just individual…”limbs”.
  78. You may not keep a gelatinous cube as a pet.
  79. The Tarrasque is not a toy.
  80. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
  81. Your character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
  82. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
  83. When choosing your wizard’s familiar, Belgians are not a legal choice.
  84. Not allowed to test whether halflings or gnomes bounce higher.
  85. You are not to substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
  86. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.
  87. You will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words “And hope they miss a lot”.
  88. A bag of flour tied to the end of a pole arm is not a rogue on a stick.
  89. No using Irresistible Dance to put on a production of Lord of the Dance.
  90. No licking opponents while grappling.
  91. “Create water” and “wet t-shirt contest” may not be used in the same sentence.
  92. Justifying your characters’ actions with ranks in Profession (Disrupt Campaign) is not acceptable.
  93. You keep your own intelligence score when wild shaped, and “survival instincts” is not a reason to attack the wizard.
  94. You cannot bake cookies for the enemies.
  95. Cannot start any in-game joke with ‘A Dwarf, Elf and Orc walk into a tavern…’
  96. “Favoured Enemy: Gazebo” is not the most productive use of a ranger’s class abilities.
  97. No party may be formed in which a rogue is the main healer.
  98. Characters may not be named after exotic cheeses.
  99. Should not give the Mind Flayer a chance to prove himself.

All but the first two have been taken from this awesome place. The first two are from here.

 

There is a sentient race of eagles with a highly developed code of honour in this world. This code of honour leads them to patrol the skies and drop heavy objects (anvils, pianos, hippos or VW Camper vans) on Adventurers that they see doing stupid things. They have a racial bonus of +30 to Spot checks and a BAB of +30 as well.

A character turned to stone can attempt to strike a heroic pose, in order to make a better-looking statue. If sold, his statue fetches 100 gp times the result of a Charisma check.

Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if you’re the sorcerer.

Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.

A picture of your ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.

Your gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.

You do not have weapon proficiency in cat.

The paladin’s alignment is not Lawful Anal.

Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.

You are not authorized to form the head.

If the mere thought of it costs the others’ sanity, you’re forbidden from doing it.

Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.

You are not allowed to rub the monk’s head for luck.

I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.

When one person forgets to buy rations, eating the half-elf is not your first option.

There are no profanities in Celestial.

Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.

No matter your alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.

Cannot cast Haste on the king during a long-winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.

Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.

The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers

You cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.

When your enemy blinks it does not give you an attack of opportunity.

Not allowed to tell the Elf “Live long and prosper.”

Cannot conveniently forget the blast radius of a fireball.

Ranger cannot have a giant space hamster for a mount or animal companion.

If any other character has a giant space hamster animal companion and it wanders into the local magic shop, the rest of the party has never seen said character before in their lives.

No creating any character that requires a trip to the local slave market to purchase field rations.

You are not to refer to the Monster Summoning spell as “Conjure Lunch”.

Just because it’s flammable doesn’t mean it should be set on fire.

No, you do not burn a wood elemental to make it a fire elemental.

You do not have a pair of trained attack ferrets.

“Crack Whore” is not an acceptable character class. It is certainly not a variation of Cleric.

The Book of Vile Darkness is not acceptable reading material for a paladin of Tyr.

Nor is it acceptable reading material for a cleric of Lathander.

Greatsword sledding is not (and never will be!) a professional sport.

You are not allowed to shout “Charge” when you *know* the mage is casting Wall of Stone just because you think it’s funny.

Not allowed to ask to see an Earth elemental’s rocks.

You must at least try to create a character that will last more than one gaming session.

When scoring a Coup de Grace against a goblin with his own weapon, telling him “Stop hitting yourself” is unnecessary.

Banned from telling anger management/issues jokes about the barbarian.

The fighter should loot bodies AFTER killing them. Ohhhhh.

Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.

Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.

Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.

You are not allowed to declare yourself a god just so you can grant yourself spells.

No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.

Tourretes is not a flaw; it is a reason to kill the character at creation.

Your Paladin’s heraldry is not a smiley face.

If the king rewards you with a forest, you are to assume he intends for you to keep it a forest.

There is no Halfling god of groin shots.

You are not allowed to test your new spells on party members. Especially the paladin.

Bribing the DM with extra pizza doesn’t always work.

You are not allowed to name your half-orc barbarian “Sweetums”.

Or “Twinky-Poo”.

You are not allowed to give your wizard a stutter.

Lawful Stupid and Chaotic Badass are now forbidden alignments.

You should not refer to the paladin’s Holy Avenger sword as “The Butter Knife of Doom”.

No, the dragon will not let you ride it.

You are not to name your fighters “Meaty McShielderson’.

Nor are any characters allowed to have a last name with ‘Mc’ included.

You are not to insinuate anything about the druid and his animal companion.

Likewise about the Paladin and his mount.

The Half-Giant is not an acceptable choice for my Gnome paladin’s mount.

‘Damn Fine’ is not an acceptable Charisma score.

‘Pimp Daddy’ is not a class.

Your name is not to mean “Shove it” in any language.

‘Exotic Weapon Proficiency: Enemy’s Skull’ is not acceptable.

Flame Strike is not an acceptable answer to a question.

“Skill Focus: Your Mom Last Night” does not exist.

A statue of you will not be erected if you invent the push-up bra.

Just because your character doesn’t cut his nails, does not give him a claw attack.

Organ harvesting is not an acceptable profession.

‘Dire Human’ is not a race.

Gnomes and Halflings are not catapult ammo.

Enlarge Person affects your whole person. Not just individual…”limbs”.

You may not keep a gelatinous cube as a pet.

The Tarrasque is not a toy.

Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute isforbidden.

Your character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.

The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.

When I choosing your wizard’s familiar, Belgians are not a legal choice.

Not allowed to test whether halflings or gnomes bounce higher.

You are not to substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.

Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.

You will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words “And hope they miss a lot”.

A bag of flour tied to the end of a pole arm is not a rogue on a stick.

No using Irresistible Dance to put on a production of Lord of the Dance.

No licking opponents while grappling.

“Create water” and “wet t-shirt contest” may not be used in the same sentence.

Justifying your characters’ actions with ranks in Profession (Disrupt Campaign) is not acceptable.

You keep your own intelligence score when wild shaped, and “survival instincts” is not a reason to attack the wizard.

You cannot bake cookies for the enemies.

Cannot start any in-game joke with ‘A Dwarf, Elf and Orc walk into a tavern…’

“Favoured Enemy: Gazebo” is not the most productive use of a ranger’s class abilities.

No party may be formed in which a rogue is the main healer.

Characters may not be named after exotic cheeses.

Should not give the Mind Flayer a chance to prove himself.

About these ads

About Psyche Pollution


2 responses to “D&D House Rules

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: